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So Where Do I Go From Here

23 May

I have had my mamogram and results are cancer free.  I have listened to motivation and inspiration speakers until am blue.  I am stopping listening to how to live and realize I have to broaden my outlook and live.  I can do somethings I was reluctant to do and I mean just everyday housework.  I try now and realize I can.  What slows me down is arthiritis.  I won’t let that make me feel down but will keep on with my hobbies and feel good about myself.

I call my hobbies rituals because they are stress relievers. playing the keyboard, reading, and crafts, planners.  I love those.  I will dance even if it’s just around the house.  I have social anxiety about going to clubs because I didn’t like it after a while because things happen.  However I know that one day I’ll wake up and be ready to go maybe a sports bar or club whatever.  My social anxiety may be valid and not mental.  One of my neighbor’s son got killed trying to break up a fight and this has happened to many times.   However my instinct will tell be when it’s right.  I hope that this post will help others with issues.

 

Zip my Mouth Up.

25 Apr

viI will learn to zip my mouth rather than offend, not to offer advice when I know it,s just how I do things and may not be the right thing for someone else. aily Prompt: Zip  However when I feel the need to defend I will unzip.  I will express myself when I should and not to judge others.

However when someone offends me I will let them know.  If they choose to still offend and don,t zip it up I will not argue but know that this is not a friend that I need to associate with.

Depression Won’t Beat Me

9 Apr

I’ve been reading posts and articles about depression.  Yes I fight it and I won’t let it conquer me.  I will keep fighting it and keep going especially when I have the energy to     do things.     That’s when I know I am winning.  Yes there are bad days when I haven’t slept the night before and I am  a hot mess and too weak to do anything.

However I get myself together and self talk. I tell myself it’s just a state of mind.  The funny thing about me is when I can be active I have to tell myself to slow down and stop racing.  I am afraid of being manic and doing and doing even late at night and becoming sick.

I am going to close because it is late but I hope I have helped someone by sharing this.

Darkness

8 Jul

 

It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I can’t stand to get out of bed in the morning.  If only I could wake up full of energy, happy to start another day.  I pray that it will leave.  It’s like a demon from hell that wants to hold me down and does.

Sometimes the darkness leaves and I am happy and bubbly but afraid knowing it will come back  Is it that I am afraid to be.happy that I think I have to suffer?  I know it’s not so because God wants us to be happy .  I just don[t know how to stop these guilt filled thoughts and the hate which these thoughts are but they are not me.

You’re Not Looking

25 May

There’s a land that has flowers in the yards and well kept lawns.  Church bells ring with gratitude and blessings for the life the people may have.  There are blue birds and red birds in the yards of these people.  God sends the beauty to them and they appreciate them.

There is plenty of food.  You pass one street with lots of fast food places  Some of the people don’t stop there.  They go to grocery stores where there is plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables..

Just  join them and embrace them and the lifestyles    You will share in the blessings and the lifestyle.

 

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What I Am Doing Now

4 May

I am in a place where I am fighting depression, I have been for a long time.  I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 2014.  I had two surgeries to remove the lump and any cancer in the cells.

I try to watch my diet and lose weight, get exercise and practice the tools.  These are some of the tools.  There are other health issues that I fight, my blood sugar going up is one.  I had to give up the sweets to get it down and stay down or I will become diabetic also watch the cholesterol.  I have regular checkups with my Doctor.

I had a mammogram recently and haven’t got the results yet.  I am frightened that it may have come back.  I hate to go through the treatment.

Radiation left me with almost chronic fatigue.  I couldn’t do very much housework or other things after the surgery.  Even now I have days when I feel like I can hardly get out of bed but I know I can’t  give up but I know I have to keep going.  I can’t give in to that state of being.  I have to self talk and know I can fight it.  It’s beautiful when I accomplish a project or housework;

Well that’s all for now.  Maybe later I will share with you the tools I practice.

What Happened In 2014.

31 Dec

Here it is New Year’s Eve already. I’m thinking about this whole year and I ask you to allow me to express myself and maybe talk a little about myself.

This has been a year of unexpected doctors and hospital visits since February of 2014. I had a mammeogram which resulted in the fear I”ve had and every woman. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had a lumpectomy and another follow-up operation to make sure I was cancer free.

I could not feel cancer free having to go through six and a half weeks of radiation Monday through Friday. There’s a good side to this. I would wonder how that would be. People prayed for me and I had to pray for the strength to go through. I met nice people who were going through the same thing I am. There was a Christmas party at the hospital for Breast Cancer survivors and I had a wonderful time. I never thought I would have a better outlook, get my energy back and be able to feel happiness again.

I have another mammeogram coming up this February. Of course the fear is back afraid of another lump or something else. However I won’t let fear overtake me like I did before.

Well I’ve gone on and on about me but I thank some of you for the posts that leaves me with a serenity and feeling of fulfillment. Happy New Years and may you be blessed.